My Heart will Go On…

I listened to something today, something ancient, something that has been hailed as a classic the day it came out…

Something that pulled me, no, excuse me let me rephrase that, something that snatched me right from this stupid work thing was immersed in to the day we first heard it…

I wonder how do u feel when u hear this too?

Do you remember that time? the time i personally regard as one of the top three times in my life?

Do you?

The song plays away, its opening note brings a warm feeling spreading in my chest with every melody… i cannot help but close my eyes and go back in time…

It was Ramadan of 1997. It was cold and always dark. Back then we used to have a lot of rain. Do you remember how the rain made us happy? Hysterically happy as it, ironically, reminded us both of older happy times we shared.

It was spring break, or winter break. We were just kids! About to graduate highschool, just finished our last physics final yesterday! Remember physics? Ugh! i recall i got a 97/100 in my final grade, not something to be proud of in my range of 100-99/100…

We were free for two weeks. Free to spend time toghether, go out as much as we like, free to dress up every day before fu6oor time and run from one mamsha to another searching for Faker we Arba7, and when we spot them we would chiken out and run away, a herd of our siblings and cousins tagging along…

Remember them? remember how we hated that they ran after us whenever they smelled a whiff of us going out of the door? remember? How i would give anything for them to tag along me now…

Remember when we would huddle in groups, around the IRC in each others houses? Every night in some aunts house, we would all talk, one of us over the computer and many many pairs of eyes sitting around hanging on every word, contributing on the conversations, amazed by the number of friends each acquired? Remember that we wouldn’t let go until the wee hours of the morning? Remember we had to remind each other and the jumanji surrounding us to through away the food or swallow fast because its dawn?


We were having the best time of our lives. We were innocent kids surrounded by family, we were about to become big! In a few months we will go to college! and we would be driving !!!! We would be all grown up and we would go to the same college away from the jumanji and hang our in the cafeteria and study together and drive each others cars home!!!!

We were growing up!

and we were having such a good time that we did not have time to sleep. We wanted, all of us, to squeeze every happy moment out of our vacation even that my father would get angry when he that we have not slept a wink  for days…

and you were a strong stubborn girl. You were as storng as me, my match. You could make decisions on our behalf sometimes, or hand over the reigns to lead the herd of babies and kids who loved us dearly and hung on our every word. We were their idols, their protectors, and their eyes onto the outside world even though we did not like the responsibility at that time…

and then there was that hit tv show in Ramadan, it had been sooo long since somehting as good appeared… remember it? Fatha2yat?

Oooh how proud we were, sitting after fu6oor watching it, proud that in our country there are bright  innovative minds that came up with such a show after years of nothing. No one across the middle east had a similar show! We, q8y’s, did it again! We were pioneers in the tv show ideas for ramadan. Oh what happy days… what hopeful day…

and do u remember when i started to sleep all day long? Only to be awaken up for fu6oor time?

and, in particular, that day when i spent with the herd, some online in the IRC, and some sitting by my side and next to me playing Hand with the deck of cards, i said goodnight to all of them. Went to sleep, how sleep could come so easy on those days? Warm in my blanket, sleeping soundly, dreaming of our future that just promised so much!

Then you yanked off my blanket and yelled at me that we would be late?

and there was some of our lovely preppy herd, my siblings mostly, and some of yours, surrounding you, urging me to WAKE UP… we will be late?! Late for what i demand? You hand me my favourite guess black trousers with subtle black snake print, my red guess blouse, my black jacket, my huge army boots, and ask me to be ready in five minutes or we will be late?

Late for what i demand again?

You run to the car waiting downstairs with some of the kids waiting for me and some for you, reminding them to hurry me along, i wash up, barely realizing its way over futoor time, that i have overslept, i prayed, i changed, i took more than five minutes, and i ran to the waiting car that is filled with us…

and the car sped to fanar, my head still in a cloud, ohhhhh had i known how i would miss that day, i would have slapped my self and immersed my self in it, you say there is a hit film? That you have been trying to secure us tickets for how longs? Two weeks now? Why didn’t i hear about this before? why didn’t i know we were going?

Because u lead us that day.

and we go to the old fanar, before the exapnsion, when it was the first cinema ever to be built inside a mall, the newest mall, the “it” place to hang out at…

and we battle the huge crowds to the door, back then people would still wait in line for tickets… we make sure the little ones are inside one by one, and i am a very disappointed to note that our seats turned out to be in the very first row in the movie. We almost took the whole row…

and you know what?

I loved it. I wept all through the ending, coming out of the movie and being the object of every one sarcastic comments…

I remember it was a loooong movie. By the time we were home it was almost midnight… and time for our IRC session to begin… time for us to connect to the internet using kems, waiting for almost have an hour for the internet to connect, and making that loud static sound it finally FINALLY did…

You do remember the movie don’t you? You do remember Titanic?

Do you remember that day at all? My old partner in all our chidlish crimes?

and now, i realize, i have no one to make plans on my behalf sometimes. Im so so tired of planning every thing on my own. Planning my life, my work, my schedule, my future, my mone my, my leisure…  i am on my own all again. I do not have you by my side any more. You handed your throne by throwing it in my face and walking away… never looking back…

Im just so tired. and i miss u. and i miss our now all grown up and scattered jumanji herd. All of us are estranged from each other now. I no longer am part of a big huge family. I am no longer in charge of anyone but myself, yet the burden is unbearable. and the worst thing is i am 100% sure that the only stupid one who remembers those days is me, every one has walked away, like you, never looking back, and no one is left behind pining but me.


I do not want to let go, i really really REALLY do not want to let go. I do not want to come back to our harsh reality, to the present day… but i know it’s not possible to keep my eyes closed for ever, i keep them closed for a moment, then i open them very slowly, with every little mili they grow apart so does the gap between my memory and me, now that my eyes are fully open i register a flood that has been lurking behind my eye lids and is spilling down generously on my cold startled cheek…

and i know im ready to let go of those memories. I vow not to think of them again. 

I vow never to allow my mind to wander there again.

I vow never to listen to that song again. for i cannot take another bite of my tasty old memories anymore.

and i vow that the next time i hear it playing somewhere, i will change the channel or block it out before my heart catches on…

because, like the song implies, my heart must go on, and now? It’s takings its first crawl away…

and my shattered heart will g0 on…


10 responses to this post.

  1. This post of yours hit a raw nerve :”(

    How could she?
    We were more than sisters?!!

    10 years later and one question still haunts me:
    “What happenned? Why did she pull away?”

    It’s high time now,
    I too must go on..

    Thanks Daddy’s Girl ;-*


  2. family feuds

    if only they were easy to fix ..


  3. Posted by yara4ever on January 22, 2009 at 1:03 AM

    Allaaaah i remember those days.. ayam irc, titanic (i saw it in cinema el salmiya 3shtaw :P) … lots of families drifted apart and are not close as they used to be, mine included.. at least u dont see the person.. me i see her and she calls and acts normally as if nothing happened and i just smile despite it still hurting when i remember what she did


  4. who is this person ??? seems that u had so much fun together.


  5. not all that glitter’s is Swarovski (Motafoqon 3leih).


  6. Posted by aws on January 24, 2009 at 10:23 PM

    clearly u are depressed… and this depression manifests itself in all your thinking.. try to extract yourself out of this mood… there’s much more to life than this cousin, you have all those adorable people commenting on your blog … this is the “present”… the “Gift” , clearly allah replaced that girl with many others… but looking back will only keep you from appreciating your “present”…


  7. Looks like some old happy and depressing moments that you have just remembered!


  8. Posted by PaLoMiNo on April 5, 2009 at 12:14 AM

    allaah eysm7haaa inshallaa…:(


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