A Tribute… January 13, 2009

Today is ur Birthday…

Today, also, marks the 10th year since our very last meal together, held in celebration of ur birthday in Chillis.

I remember the exact same location of the booth we sat in. I remember you warning me that there is a certain chicken dish on the menu you do not want to order and that i should help you identify it. I remember when the dish we carefully ordered turned out to be the dish you did not want to be, you had then all your charm turned to me and sweetly made me  -since i was always braver than you- ask the waiter to change it with the other suspicious chicken dish that turned out to be the one u wanted after all…

and i did it for you…

You, my once long life soulmate. My once upon a time best friend. I have known you since the day i was born. I have slept over at your place since as long as i can remember, half of my life maybe. I have memorised every thought, every dream, every game, every secret, every joke, every prank, and every little silly song and dance we made.

School was bearable because i got to play with you on the break. Heaven on earth was the weekend i was allowed to sleep on the floor in your room, playing all night long, having dinner trays brough up to us, waking up to acknowledge that my eyes will fall on you first and i have the rest of the day to stay and play and imagine that you were infact my sister.

We grew up together. We explored through life together. We embarked on adventures and gained all that is to be gained and experienced while side by side together. We were the only two people who knew each other inside out. The only two people whome around each other, there are no more niceties, no more pretention, we knew every thing about each other. We shared families for crying out loud.

Or that what i had thought. Up until 10 years ago.

Little did i know that on ur birthday, that would be it, i would no longer have the certinty of breaking bread with you again.

Little did i know not to take your presence in my life for granted. That as we embark in our college life and then marriage life and family life… we won’t actually be doing it together…

Little did i know that, on that lunch date, you were actually ENGAGED!

Engaged, and you didnt tell me?

and you, you knew that was it, that you had to get rid of me, that i had no place in ur new life, that infact the life long lie of me being ur soulmate and best friend has reached its end… and it was about time to stop.

You knew that was our last lunch, our last outing, our last act for us as US… you had closure, not that you need it of course, why would you? You knew of all of that, and denied me the comfort of knowing it was my closure too.

Not two weeks later, ur plan of final ignorance of me was full on.

Two weeks later, i ran after you in college, calling ur name and you ignored me, caught up with you and asked you a Q, you answered me coldly. So cold was your stare and your reply, i vowed not to approach you again like a fool until you did. To save my dignity and my embarassment…

Then when ur wedding date was set, approached my table in the college cafeteria, where i was dining with my own friends, whom u didnt know well, whom you eventually stole from me and made them your own, eating out of your open palm, you came and stood, said a general hello, not even to me, to them, but you sure as hell put the plam flat on the table and ur finger wearing the wedding ring was smack next to my face, showing me that this is it, this is the end. This is the new life you have chosen to embark onto, and it doesnt include me in it.

No, correction…

It cannot include me in it… for your own twisted reasons and insecurities…

You didnt even invite me to your wedding… on which our cousin said you looked like a lizard (brai3si) in a dress sitting on your koosha then… His description not mine… i guess he was angry at you too… and trying to console me!

and so you were gone…

and here i am, 10 years afterwards, i look at todays date and think to my self that its your birthday today…

I hope your life is going well and is actually meaningful.

I hope you have fulfilled most if not all of your dreams and wishes. I hope you have had the same exact breakfast you planned on serving to your family every morning when you ‘get married’ as we had planned once. I hope you have educated & raised your children in the same way we had discussed when we were young and hopeful and never thought there would exist a world where i would see ur boy in the street and you would snatch him away from my sight before i could blink, in fear i would bite him and suck his blood like the vampire that i am…

 What on earth is the matter with you?

But you know what? I did notice his haircut… it is the exact same haircut you have vowed to give your children when you had them… though i must tell you, that haircut was hip in 1993, not so hip in 2004… kinda silly infact.

and you know what i hope for the most?

That it was all worth sacrifying all we had. Although i might still be under the illusion that infact we ever had anything all those years…

But i know the tears you cried the day i woke up in ur room to go to the airport and leave you behind, they cannot lie.

You know thats my last most vivid memory of you, me waking up from my makeshift bed on the floor, i spent the night sleeping over your place. Then i woke up queitly, tiptoed around the room to get dressed and go to the airport… thinking you were a sleep… but you turned just as i was about to turn the door knob, and with a choking voice  u called out for me, held your arms out to me, hugged me tight, and wept…

Ur mom told me you were inconsolable that day. You broke down on the mention of my name at the lunch table…

You then dedicated a song to me, Wainik by Abdullah Rwaished! You played it all the time in ur car, remember when we got our cars? Ooooh how grown up we where!!!

You know now i cannot bear to hear the opening note of that song? Do you know why? or Ur playing dumb as u did when u dedicated it to me, saying it always reminded you of me if im not right next to you? No, you were not playing dumb… ur just being cruel…

and i still remember when u came after me to the UK, when we spent the day together, then it was time for u to leave, so u clung to me as i to you, bawled in the middle of the platform… did u love me then? or were u saying goodbuy for good? What are those tears? Genuine? Tears for Real? Pain over being away from me?

May i ask then, if i meant so much to you, why did u dump me from your life a mere 5 months later? and your nastiness towards me? and towards your Inlaws when they merely hinted that they might consider the possibility of  thinking about having me as their 2nd daughter in law?

 Happy Birthday, my long lost soulmate. there is no other friend who can fill your shoes, no other friend can ever EVER measure up to your position in my heart and my life. I would be a lier if i say i had forgotten you, or gotten over your betrayl. I would also be telling long tales if denied that not one day of those ten years did i not think about you or remember you in any way.

You know what my worst fear was?

That i would forget you. Forget any tiny details of our glorious times together… i was afraid if i started to get over you, i would lose it all. I would no longer remember your face. I already cannot remember your scent…

But today, i believe a decade of estrangement is enough. We are no longer the same, we can never be the same, and if there was ever hope of reconcillation, well to be frank i do not know you anymore! We are mere strangers now…

It’s time to let go. It’s time for some of those memories to fade, leaving behind the most significant ones only.

So i believe this post is a good bye. A tribute, the closure you have denied me of 10 years ago.

For i have decided that you simply never did exist in life, in my life that is, and you were nothing but a ghostly remains from a nice dream of mine.

Happy birthday again… and Farewell…

Yours, Once Upon a Time…

Daddy’s Girl